


as fireflies flicker

by rooneysrose



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Magic, Bookstore Owner Castiel, DCBB 2019, Dean/Cas Big Bang 2019 (Supernatural), F/F, F/M, First Dates, Illustrated, Island - Freeform, M/M, Pining, Single Parent Dean Winchester, Witch Castiel (Supernatural), meet cute, with art
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-04
Updated: 2019-11-04
Packaged: 2021-01-22 21:06:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 22,756
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21308599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rooneysrose/pseuds/rooneysrose
Summary: Castiel grew up on Fernweh, a small isolated island with a hum of magic in the air. Having given up on following his family’s footsteps and becoming a witch, he pours all of this energy into the bookstore that he runs with Charlie, his best friend.When summer arrives, tourists start to trickle in and Cas takes a liking to a particular visitor and his six month old son. One lost teddy bear brings them together, but as they grow closer, time sneaks up on them.Maybe, Dean Winchester and his son are his way off the island and maybe, he has more magic in his blood than he thought after all.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, past Dean/Lisa
Comments: 26
Kudos: 224
Collections: DCBB 2019





	1. ONE

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so excited to finally be posting this fic! It's been a work of love but also of hate and insecurity, but at the end of the day, I'm proud of what it became. I really hope you'll enjoy this small island au with a sprinkling of magic, single father Dean and bookstore owner Cas. Buckle in for chats on the beach, family problems, trying to find a place in the world but also a lot of cute scenes with Dean and Cas.
> 
> First of all thank you so much to Almaasi, who created the beautiful art for this fic! I never imagined getting such beautiful drawings and I strongly urge you to [check out the pieces on her tumblr](https://almaasi.tumblr.com/post/188819370470/heres-my-art-for-rooneysroses-2019-dcbb-fic-as) and leave her a nice comment about them.
> 
> But also, thank you so much to my partner in crime, writing and life, d_claiborne, who not only encouraged me through the entire fic and encouraged me to post it, even though I hated it, but also did such a great job with her beta. The fic wouldn't be in this shape if it wasn't for her honest feedback and edits. <3 
> 
> **Enjoy <3 **

Wherever she goes, all that I know about us 

is that beautiful things never last,

_ That's why fireflies flash. _

When this summertime ends, we will not part as friends,

Now there's tears in his eyes as he’s screaming goodbyes,

I run 'long side the car turning numb to the sound.

★★★

Castiel walked barefoot in the cooled down sand - shivers travelling up through his legs to the bottom of his spine. Night was slowly dawning on Fernweh, the sun disappearing in the ocean, leaving dark embers behind on the water. He loved walking on the beach in the dark, loved the rustling of the ocean, how it was finally deserted.

He needed to be alone sometimes - to just sit and think and connect. With his feet buried in the sand, he felt more at home than at his parents’ house, at his siblings’. There was no searching and questioning looks thrown his way here. No sly remarks made to him.

Cas knew his family didn’t understand what it felt like; they weren’t the ones who were born without the gift.

In seventy years, every single soul in his family had presented their gift before the age of twenty. Most of them started young. He remembered how his brother had been barely two and he seven, and how the teacup in front of him had hovered in the air. It had risen steadily in a straight line before going straight for his brother, who had taken it with a smile and just about managed to not drop it in his lap.

His mother hadn’t been shocked or angry. She hadn’t given Gabe a lesson about how he shouldn’t have done it and how it was dangerous. How he could have emptied a steaming cup of tea in his brother’s lap and burned him.

Instead, Naomi Novak had grinned, put a spoon in front of him and asked his brother to make it float to her hands.

Anna had a similar story. She’d been seventeen when she figured out that the fires that randomly started on the school grounds had been her doing. It hadn’t been her who noticed, but him. He’d pointed out to her that every time she had a particularly bad class with a teacher she hated, a bush would catch on fire, or a desk.

In their last year, seven desks had crumbled to ashes, thankfully without any students devoured by the flames. Their mother - who had worried about her daughter not having any skill at all - had been ecstatic, made her promise not to do it on purpose again and helped her find ways to take control over it.

Their grandmother had the same gift as Anna, but had been a lot more focused and in control of it. She always told them she’d been ten when she managed to light the fireplace on fire. 

His father wasn’t in the picture anymore, but the stories he heard from his mother were enough. Even though she never talked about the day it happened, she did tell them about the past. He was _ normal _, didn’t belong to their family by blood, he wasn’t gifted. He was a normal man who died when storms took his ship and swallowed it.

Castiel was twenty-five, stuck in a bookshop on an island that made him feel like a fool. He’d done online school, gotten a diploma, he could move on with his life. He could get the hell out of dodge and get the ferry off the island.

And yet, he couldn’t. The island, for as much as it made him feel like an outsider, it also made him feel at home. It wasn’t just his family - it was his childhood friends, the kids he read to in the shop, the people that talked to him every day and didn’t know or cared if he was talented. It was all of that.

He’d be escaping the feeling that he was a stranger in his own home and he would exchange it for the feeling that he didn’t even have a home anymore. 

His escape to the beach tonight was because of his mother. She’d tried again - even though he had told her that it wouldn’t work - to see if he had a knack for potions. She’d started trying when he’d turned twenty-one; trying to get him to study various herbs and formulas. 

He got endless notebooks from his family filled with recipes and tried again and again and again to make them, but he didn’t have a feeling for it. Cas hated the process and couldn’t wait for it to be over. 

He thought she’d finally dropped it, until a package had arrived at his door that morning with more herbs and general supplies. With it was an old worn notebook and a note from his mother, saying maybe his great grandmother’s recipes could help him.

He’d called her up in a fury - with the conversation getting heavier and heavier and heavier, until they were yelling at each other. Their insults became petty, comebacks nonsensical. They’d gotten themselves trapped in the same old place, where there was nothing but anger and frustration. 

As an aftermath, anger still rolling in his veins, Cas had thrown down his phone so hard it smashed to pieces. It wasn’t a smart move, but he’d had no other way of dealing with his pent up anger.

The sand was still wet from the heavy downpour of that afternoon, but Cas didn’t mind. He focused his thoughts on the ebb and flow of the ocean. It always managed to calm him down, so long as he was alone.

He knew that it was late, and if anything were to happen he’d have no means to call for help. It felt strange, not having a phone on him after years of having it glued to his hand.

He couldn’t wait for the messages from his mother, ranging from blaming to apologising and telling him she was just worried for him and wanted him to be okay. He knew they’d rain in once he’d get a replacement. 

The frustrating this was that he _ was _ okay. Anna was the only one who seemed to understand. She was fine just letting him be who he was.

The rest of the family was different. Gabriel refused to understand - his mother refused to even think about it or give it a chance. He was happy with the way things were. He had a life, a steady income, his own bookstore. A life that he was slowly building for himself. In between the moments where his family pushed him, he actually thought that he was starting to be comfortable with the place that he was in in life.

It was why he sometimes dreamt of leaving the island. Why he’d been almost on a boat twice - both times the weather too stormy for them to leave for the hour long journey to land.

Every time after a major argument, he got the idea to leave, pack up. Now too, the thought haunted him. He could pack up the things he needed and go on the next ferry. Build a new life for himself. Away from all of this. 

Foam rolled onto the shore and he forced himself to not get angry again, but to stay calm. It was okay and it would be okay. One day, he would successfully cut himself off from his family or they would accept that he was just right the way that he was and things would settle. They would, he knew that.

If he wanted to leave his family behind, he had to get off the island. If he wanted to get off, he needed to think it through and be calm about it. He needed to figure this thing out and make a plan.

He walked along the shore, feet getting rinsed by the ocean as he made his way through. It was a beautiful evening, all in all. It was cold for the time of the year, but it didn’t bother Cas much. Not anymore.

Living on the island had meant being out and playing by the ocean when he was a little kid. It never got cold enough for ice or snow so they’d make snowballs out of sand and try to hit each other. Every single time, the plan failed and ultimately they’d give up and lay down in the sand making angels.

His feet were accustomed to much worse temperatures than this.

It wasn’t until he was almost back to his house that he noticed the car parked at the summer cabin up the road. The lights were on, the windows still open despite the late hour. He stopped for a while, his keys in hand. 

New faces, unclear of how long they would stay. Their arrival had gone unnoticed to Cas. He usually noticed tourists arriving, had them stop by asking where the summer cabin exactly was. If not that, Ellen usually let him know. 

Maybe it had been a last minute thing and they’d called in pretty late. Maybe Ellen had tried to call him, but his phone would’ve gone straight to voicemail.

He really needed to get that new phone.

He disregarded the porch lights. If they’d found the place they were smart people, they could fend for themselves. 

He pulled the door of his own house closed and locked it behind him.

  


.•° ✿ °•.

  


Cas heard the first signs of the visitors at three am that morning. Or rather, a tiny visitor. The sharp cries broke through the night and came in straight through his windows. He was too stubborn to close them, too attached to the cold air coming in and cooling the bedroom down.

He stuck his head out, looking over the darkness of the streets. At first glance, there was no one to be seen. The lampposts were dimmed during the night, the light barely enough to see anything except for the half meter lit up around the poles.

In the distance, the porch light turned on. He could see a vague figure come outside, with what had to be a kid in their arms. The cries soothed the longer the kid was outside and thankful, he closed his curtains again.

He was back to sleep before his head even hit the pillow. 

.•° ✿ °•.

It was just after one pm when his usual reading hour group started to trickle in. Monday had been a slow day so far and Cas was happy for the extra work. He loved his reading hour, where he could sit down and read to the kids, watching their fascination-struck faces.

It was a habit that had started in the last year, right after he had opened the bookstore. Slowly, it had become as much of a habit to the people surrounding him as it had to him. Even though there was a varying public, the same faces kept showing up. If anything, it was part of what made him happy - people liked him enough to return.

Through doing it, he had built up a connection to not only the parents, but also the children. They waved when they met him on the street and sometimes, the kids would hand over drawings at the beginning of their reading hour that he put on his fridge.

In a way, he’d seen a lot of the kids grow up and develop. Some started walking, some babbled now, others visibly understood more of the stories. Others asked questions where they’d been silent before.

Castiel sat cross legged on the ground, one of the bigger story books opened up on his lap. The kids were spread around him, some equally cross legged on the floor, others in their parents’ laps. Some of the kids had their favorite teddy bears that they picked from the bin by the entrance, snuggled close to them, ready to get into the story.

“This is Sadie,” he read, book out for the kids to see. “No, no. That’s just a box isn’t it. Where do you think Sadie could be?” The picture on the page was only of a box, just whisps of hair sticking out of the top. “Sadie is hiding _ in _the box, look.” He pointed his finger at it, saw the kids shift their attention. 

He was vaguely aware of the bell ringing, another stroller coming in through the door, Charlie meeting whoever it was in hushed voices.

“Did you hear what she said? She’s not in the box at all?” he read, shifting his focus from the latecomer to one of the older girls. “Where do you think she could be?”

“I don’t know,” Ellie whispered back at him, her little sing song voice cutting through the tension in the room. “You know?”

“I think Sadie knows,” he said, eyes once more flicking up to the person coming in, almost expecting it to be someone he knew. And yet, it wasn’t. It was a stranger. The guy sat in the back of the group, a brown haired kid sitting in his lap, stuffed animal pressed closely against his chest. The boy stared at Cas intently, pressing back just a little bit against the man’s shirt.

“Look,” he heard the man whisper, “he’s telling a story. Why don’t we listen for a little bit?” 

The boy nodded his head at that. He didn’t seem to be getting more of a response . It almost looked like the boy would be asleep before he’d even read ten pages of the story.

“Oh, look, she’s in an ocean!” Castiel said, focusing his attention back on reading and the story. “She’s a pirate.”

By the time he finished up the story, the boy was fast asleep in his father’s lap, fingers twisted in the fabric of his shirt. Cas had done his best to stay with the kids and the story, to stay invested, but every once in a while, he’d noticed his attention slipping latecomer. 

Even though it was summer and the occasional tourist would drop in to the bookshop, they rarely came in to listen to the stories. Many came for a romantic get away, only bringing the kid if they really had to. Yet, here he seemed to be, by himself.

Curiosity got the better of Cas. As the parents got up and packed their kids away in their strollers, he couldn’t help but seek him out, make some conversation. It wasn’t as unusual, he often did have a little chat with the parents afterwards, sometimes with the kids too.

“It seems to have put him right to sleep,” Cas commented as he walked past them, a small smile on his lips. 

“Not a comment on your reading skills,” the man whispered back to him. “Nothing has gotten him to sleep quite as quick, not since he got scared on the boat on the way here.”

“It can sometimes do that to kids,” Cas admitted, “and I won’t take it personally - that I promise you. Are you staying for long?” 

The man carefully got up, attempting to move the sleeping kid without waking him back up again. He seemed to succeedl - for as much as the boy stirred, he only settled himself differently in his father’s arms. 

“Two weeks, to get away for a little bit, explore some of the island. It’s been a while since I’ve been here myself.” He freed a hand from under the toddler, extending it out to Cas. “I’m Dean, this is Ben.”

“Nice to meet you,” Cas said with a soft smile. “Castiel, but please call me Cas. Will I be seeing you again next week?” It was forward of him, but he always enjoyed seeing new faces. Especially if they were cute, like Dean’s.

“Will depend on this one,” Dean answered before walking to one of the strollers in the back of the shop, “But we’d love to. You do have a great voice. The kid loved you.”

“I am always glad to hear that.” 

It was well past two when all the families finally left. A couple stuck around, talking to Charlie as their kids browsed books or snuggled with the big teddy bears. Cas had withdrawn himself for a moment to the break room, just to get a snack and a drink in him. To catch just a little bit of a break.

The clean up was the worst part of having the reading hour. There was always too much clutter and candy wrappers on the floor and what felt like a thousand pillows scattered all around the reading nook.

Charlie had already started by the time he came back out. She was rearranging the books that belonged in the kids corner, plucking them up from the floor and back on the shelf. Castiel burst out in laughter when he saw her - crouched like a princess in her pillow and teddy bear kingdom.

“You better help,” she said, throwing a pillow in his direction. “Here’s number one.”

“Thanks for getting started,” he said, catching the pillow more gracefully than Charlie would’ve liked. She looked at him, disappointed. “Did you manage okay alone?”

“Of course.” Finally happy with the way the books were organised, she plucked through the pillows to find any abandoned teddy bears, pacifiers or drink cups to put on the counter so parents could pick them up over the next week. 

Castiel decided to start in the far corner, where the strollers were stored. One way or another, there were always pillows that landed there. Even though they tried to monitor and keep everything in the designated area, he knew that with kids, it was almost impossible to keep things the way they were. 

“Hey, Char?” Cas asked as he saw a teddy bear in the far corner of the room. He crouched curiously, picking both it and the green pacifier next to it up from the floor. It was a grey dog, surprisingly soft for its’ chewed up exterior. He carefully maneuvered around the wet, mangled ears as he looked for a name tag or any kind of identification on it. 

“Yeah?” she answered, curiously poking her head out from behind a bookshelf. With most of the pillows now sorted and back on the couch, she’d gone back to stocking the shelves and making things look nice. “What is it?”

“Do you know if this is one of ours? I keep losing track.” The in and out flow of the teddy bears in their possession was constant. “I don’t think that I’ve seen it before, but. It was here with the strollers.”

“I don’t think so,” she said, head tilted. “Does it have a circle on the tag? I mark ours with a red sharpie when they come in.”

“It doesn’t. No one came back to ask for it, right?”

“Not that I know of. Let’s keep it on the counter with the rest of the stuff. I’m sure someone will come back if they miss it.”

.•° ✿ °•.

The little grey dog stayed on the counter for the rest of the day, keeping them company. The shop had a quiet day after the reading hour - a couple more people came in and some purchases were made, but all in all it was calm. Castiel couldn’t say that he minded. It had allowed him to leave Charlie in charge for a little while as he went to buy a new phone.

Charlie - the tech nerd that she was - asked to see it when he arrived back and insisted on helping him set it up. He was capable of doing it, but he also knew his best friend. It was like giving a dog a new toy.

She left the shop a little while after she’d finished with his phone, waiting by the door to ask him and make sure that he really didn’t need her to stay. 

“It’s nice out, go and enjoy yourself,” he told her before giving her a gentle push. “You’ll be here long enough tomorrow as is. Go. You deserve it.” 

She’d have to open the shop by herself the day after and stay until closing so it wasn’t like she didn’t deserve to leave a little earlier than usual. They’d had the same arrangement from day one. Most days, they were both at the shop, doing the random tasks that needed to be done but no one seemed to have time for otherwise. It meant the shop was clean and orderly and that people always remarked on how nice it was when they came in.

To compensate for the long hours, both of them had one day where they had to do the shop alone and the other could go home. Admittedly, it didn’t change so much - the books might be a little more crooked and orders might get out a little later than on other days, but other than that, there was no noticable difference for their customers. The big difference to them was that this way, they got two days off where they would normally only get the Sunday.

Charlie had wisely chosen Saturday for her day off, which Cas respected. He had to applaud her for giving herself a long weekend. He’d been reluctant at first because usually Saturdays were long busy days for them, but he could always count on her just in case it ended up being super busy or something happened. 

Cas’s choice was Tuesday. It worked for him, and that was what was most important. A lot of the tasks that he wouldn’t get done on Saturdays he was in the shop alone got done on Monday, including a big clean of the entire shop before opening that he usually came about an hour early for.

It did mean that Mondays were extra exhausting for him. He didn’t know what exactly it was that was the final drop that made the bucket spill - if it was the cleaning or the reading hour or the small easy tasks that seemed to be coming and coming and coming.

Today had been a calmer day when it came to tasks, which was the biggest reason he’d asked Charlie to leave early. It didn’t mean that today he felt any less exhaustion. By seven pm, when he was finally closing up shop, he felt it in his bones.

Thankfully, he had good things to think about.He knew very well that the second that he left the shop and came home, he would eat something and then immediately start falling asleep on the couch. It was just the way things usually went. However, he already had plans for his day off. He was determined to not let anything push them to the side. Nothing would come between him and a good long night sleep, together with reading on the beach.

  


.•° ✿ °•.

Castiel was happy to lock the bookstore door behind him. After checking one last time that he had indeed turned on the alarm system, he threw the keys in his tote bag. He’d been self conscious about carrying it around at first. People would stare at him and even his mother had asked him why he was carrying the thing around. It didn’t matter to him: it was a practical way to get all of his stuff from point a to point b without having to carry around a full backpack.

The only thing he hated about the bag was how everything seemed to get swallowed. Cas had to look for his car keys for five minutes, before he realised that they somehow had gotten between his copy of Rebecca and scrunched up the pages. He had picked it up for himself that day and seeing it already beaten up hurt him just a little bit.

Castiel got distracted before he could even properly start the car, the radio softly playing in the background. There were two all too familiar figures walking past him, or at least, one of them. He recognised the new father from the store - Dean. The one with the gorgeous smile and the sleeping kid.

He could hear Ben wail over his music. He felt sorry for the guy - he truly did. Cas had dealt with a lot of kids in his lifetime. Somehow, over the years, he’d become the designated babysitter. Maybe it was because he didn’t seem to be presenting his magic, maybe it was because he was always helping out. 

He too had walked around with wailing kids for hours until they finally settled and fell asleep or until their medicine finally kicked in and they didn’t feel the pain from teething quite as much. 

Cas did however not know what possessed him to get out of his car. He climbed out before he’d given it more than a second thought. Within a minute he was walking up to Dean, who looked around almost worried when he heard sudden footsteps coming his way.

In the dark, it took him a minute to recognise him. “Cas? Hi.” He seemed surprised to see him there, which Cas couldn’t blame him for. It was a random hour to meet here again in the best of scenarios. Especially after they met only so briefly.

Cas had taken a liking to him though. He knew virtually nothing about him, yet something about the way that he’d been with his kid and the way that he held himself intrigued him.

“I just closed the shop when I saw - or well, heard - you walking,” Cas said, almost apologetically. “Wanted to come say hi and thank you for coming to the reading. We don’t often get new faces - it’s always nice to see people joining in.”

“I’m sorry,” Dean sighed, rocking the stroller back and forth, “no matter what I try, he doesn’t want to go back to sleep. He’s been crying bloody murder and driving me crazy.”

“Kids do that sometimes,” Cas admitted, looking in to see the red, tear streaked baby. “I’m sorry, it’s terrible when they’re fighting sleep.”

“It’s my own fault, really. He dropped his teddy bear somewhere and I have no idea where. I thought maybe the walking would put him to sleep, because I know that it used to but it seems that it no longer works.” The rocking motions only seemed to make him more and more upset. Cas’s first instinct was to reach in and comfort the boy, but knew that it wouldn’t be the way to go. It wasn’t his place, not right now.

“What kind of teddy?” Cas asked, curious. 

“A little grey dog. It smells like his mom, which is why he wants it.” 

“Today might be your lucky day,” he said, not able to keep the smile from his face. “We found one just like that when we were cleaning up the store earlier. Blue paws?” For a moment, he was thankful that he looked at it before putting it on the counter with the other toys. “We put it up to see if anyone would remember and come pick it up, but no one has so far.”

“It sounds like it,” Dean answered, the relief clear in his voice. “I’ll come pick it up first thing in the morning. You might have just saved my ass.” He thought for a second, before adding: ”Actually, probably also my ears. I have no clue what I’d do with him if he continued to scream like this for the next two weeks.”

“Why don’t you just come with?” Cas asked, car keys in one hand, the keys to the store already in the other. “I only just closed the shop, I’ll quickly open it up again, that’s no problem.” Considering that Dean wasn’t a paying customer but just needed to grab something, it wasn’t too big a deal. Yes, he’d be home later and his stomach was growling at him, asking for food as was, but he couldn’t bring himself to mind.

He knew the pain of screaming kids the entire night because the parents either forgot to say something or they just missed them more than well enough. It wasn’t easy or nice and if he could save Dean’s rest, that would be completely worth it.

“You really don’t have to -”

“It’s nothing,” Cas assured him. “It’s nice that we know who the teddy belongs to and that he goes back to his owner. If it means you’ll sleep better, why not.”

“Thanks, man.” It was clear that Dean felt a little uncomfortable underneath it all, even though there really was no reason to be.

“Call it small town solidarity,” Cas said, a small smile on his lips. “Good for you, your neighbors _ and _ the baby. And really, it’s no trouble.” 

They started talking about small things as they walked to the shop - how Dean was liking the community so far and where he’d been. Dean on his turn wanted to know if there were any things that Cas would recommend seeing or visiting.

“The beach is beautiful,” Cas answered as he punched in the code to the alarm. Dean was respectfully turned away from him, Ben now safe in his arms. This at least seemed to calm him down to some extent. “I don’t know if you’ve been, but that’s what I’d recommend. It’s one of my favorite places on this whole island.”

“I’ll make a note of it,” Dean said as he awkwardly followed Cas into the dark store. Until the lights flickered on, the store always had this ominous feeling to it. They’d never quite figured out if it was just because it was a store usually buzzing with customers in the dark and that was weird, or if it was just the building giving it some charm. 

Castiel grabbed the teddy off the counter and held it out to Ben, who was now looking with interest at what he was being handed. When Dean took over from Cas and held it close to his nose so he could smell it, the boy’s expression changed. For the first time since they’d run into each other, the boy stopped even his small whimpers. He just reached out his arms and gladly took the teddy.

“That’s the one,” Dean confirmed. “Actually, this is ours, too.” He reached out for the green pacifier. “I have a spare but. Thanks again man, you really saved my night here.”

“It was my pleasure,” Cas answered, escorting Dean out the door. He turned off all the lights again and turned on the alarm system, and locked the door for the second time that evening. “I hope you’ll have a good night and that he’ll fall asleep soon. I’m hoping to see you again next Monday, same place and time. If you enjoyed it.”

‘Thank you. And we did, if it works out we’ll see you then, man. Have a good evening, Cas.”

.•° ✿ °•.

Castiel got home half an hour later, pizza in hand. He didn’t even bother unlocking the door or putting his things inside before falling down on the porch chair and lighting a cigarette. It felt like ages since he’d taken a smoke break and even though he hated it, he knew it was a habit and he could enjoy it.

He ate in silence and watched as Dean walked down the road with Ben. It was dead quiet, only the distant sounds of birds were audible. So it had worked and the boy had fallen asleep. 

Cas was almost proud of that as he threw out the pizza box outside and grabbed his stuff from the table. He was well overdue for a nice, long sleep hopefully without getting disturbed. No alarm in the morning trying to get him to get up before his brain wants to, no work traffic. Just a nice relaxing day with a book to look forward to.

Before going in for the night, Cas stood and watched as Dean walked up the road across from him and disappeared into the trees. Not long after, the porch lights turned on and he could see the faint shadow of a guy carrying a stroller up the steps. It had to be Dean who was renting the cabin, who would be his neighbor for the next two weeks.

Suddenly, it made sense to Cas. After hearing the crying earlier and seeing Dean walk to the house, something clicked. It had been Ben that woken him up the previous night with his cries.

It had felt nice, being able to help Dean. It felt good that, even though he hadn’t thought about it, he’d made a good decision. If he hadn’t walked up to Dean, maybe he’d never have found the teddy bear or only after a week of long nights full of crying.

He locked the door behind him just as the porch lights at the summer cabin turned off. 


	2. TWO

It had been a while since Castiel was so happy to wake up to his alarm, turn it off and go back to sleep. He’d forgotten to turn it off the night before, too tired to even think about moving up to bed. At least, until he woke up at three am with a sore neck and half his body hanging off the couch.

He’d sleep-drunkenly found his way upstairs, to his comfortable bed, but without turning off his alarm. When it went off at six am and then six twenty, he woke up in a small panic, thinking for just a second that he would be late for work.

After a second, when the calm set in, he realised that he actually didn’t have to get up and turned off the alarm completely, turning around in bed and going back to sleep. He didn’t wake up again until eleven and he had to admit that that was possibly the best feeling in the entire world.

Cas ate lunch on the porch and then packed his bags, ready to go to the beach and have a quiet day. He’d grabbed his bag and thrown in his phone and some snacks, together with the book that he was currently reading.

It had been so long since he’d been able to just sit down and properly read without being distubred. His mother had gotten under his skin. It hadn’t felt right to open a book when she kept nagging and calling him about the potions. He knew whatever he made was mediocre at best and most of the time, downright bad.

Cas was aware that it was weird - a bookstore owner who didn’t actually make time to read or who didn’t read in general. He’d always promised himself that he’d never be the kind of guy to open a bookshop purely because of the money. If he managed to do it, it would be because he wanted to make people read more and give them access to new and exciting books that they hadn’t encountered yet.

He had promised himself that regardless of how busy his life became, he would always make time for reading, whatever the cost.

Over the last year it had become more and more and more clear that he was failing at doing so. Before opening the shop it had taken him two to three days maximum to read a run of the mill 300 page book. He’d been known as someone who always had a book on him and would read if he had the chance - waiting for appointments; waiting for someone.

Over the weeks it had started taking him longer and longer, purely because he no longer had the energy to pick up books in the flow of the work day.

Slowly, reading had faded from his life more and more and Cas hated it. He hated just how much he wasn’t able to bring it back in and to make it his own again. He hated feeling exhausted and worn after the work week. In the past three months, he’d maybe finished one book.

He missed how relaxed reading could make him feel. Cas used to be able to disappear into a world that wasn’t his own - especially when things weren’t going well or he was struggling. He could escape to any alternative reality he wanted to just by opening up a book. Now he couldn’t anymore.

Cas was determined to change that.

Today, he  _ would _ read. Cas had decided that the weekend before, looking at the to-be-read pile on his bookshelf. It had started as three books that continuously changed rotation and by now, the books took up multiple shelves. He was determined to make it work.

If not now, then never.

He weaponed himself as if he was going off to war. Cas had collected drinks and a cooler, snacks, plenty of sunscreen, a towel to lay on and a pillow for his head. He had his sunglasses with him and last minute picked two books to take with him. 

He knew very well that he would be able to go back to his house to pick something up and come back within five minutes, but it was the thought that mattered. He didn’t  _ want _ to go back to the house. 

He checked his stuff, locked the door behind him and went to look for a nice spot in the shade.

.•° ✿ °•.

It was nice an d calm on the beach. He had quickly found a spot where there weren’t too many people around him. It was busier than during the off months, but even with their tourism at its peak, the island was still a place mostly for honeymooners and young couples. Not that many people came. 

He read as the sun slowly started to make its ascent into the sky. He forced himself not to look up from his book for what felt like hours, but must have been no more than half an hour. 

Castiel found himself looking at the people around him every now and then - sunbathing, running along the shore, a local class playing on the beach and yelling at each other as they made sandcastles. So many people let their guard down here. In a way, he did too.

He had read maybe fifty pages when a shadow fell over him and a pair of feet came into his view. Puzzled, he looked up at the shape that loomed over him, squinting his eyes even with the sunglasses.

“Taking a break on the beach?” a familiar voice asked. 

Cas focused, tried to make out the face in the shadows cast by the sun. It took him a while before he could place the voice - match it up with the features he could make out in the shade. It was Dean. 

“Mind if I join you?”

“Take a seat,” Cas said, moving his cooler out of the way so Dean could sit down. He was dressed in dark shorts and a light shirt, sunglasses framing his face nicer than Cas would have expected. “No Ben today?”

“No,” Dean said with a smile, shaking his head. “He’s currently knocked out on top of Jo, so I figured that I could take a break and run for it.” 

Cas had to admit he couldn’t blame him. If the boy had been screaming so much, Dean indeed couldn’t have gotten a lot of sleep or time to himself.

“Good on your part.” Cas put the bookmark between the pages of his book and put down, very well aware that he wouldn’t go back to reading now he had someone to talk to. He had to admit that even though they hadn’t met that long ago, something about Dean already felt comfortable. Maybe it was that Dean actually was friendly to him and that Cas had helped him out. Maybe because Dean had gone out of his way to come talk to Cas, even though he could have easily pretended that he didn’t see him sitting on the beach. 

“Am I interrupting?” Dean asked, looking at the book on the towel in front of him. “You don’t have to talk if you don’t want to. I can sit next to you if you want.”There was a small pause before he added: “I can move on and go explore, that’s okay with me too.”

“You’re not interrupting at all, I was just reading.” He could have very easily said that he was indeed busy reading and that yes, he wanted to continue doing that. But the truth was that he didn’t want to do that. He didn’t want to go back to reading. He had figured out that in all honesty, he wanted to talk to Dean. “Do you want something to drink?” 

Castiel opened up the cooler and pushed it a little closer to Dean. He waited for Dean to take out a bottle of coke and close it back up again. Cas himself had a bottle of water in the sand next to him, which he gratefully took a sip of.

“Ben slept amazing last night,” Dean admitted. “Thanks man, for letting us in even though you closed. You saved my ass last night. I haven’t slept that well in days. Jo thought that I had knocked him out.” He laughed at that and it was easy for Cas to join in on the laughter.

This was the second time that Dean dropped the name, Cas realised. He pushed back the drop in his stomach at the realisation that it had to be Ben’s mother. 

“I bet his mom must have been happy too, that he doesn’t have to be with her constantly to sleep, now he has the toy back,” Cas said with a forced smile. “Though it wasn’t a problem at all.

“I wouldn’t know actually, she’s back in Kansas. I assume she’s smug that he’s giving me sleepless nights if anything.” 

“It would explain why he needed the toy so much,” Cas added gently, “You travelling by yourself then? If she isn’t here with you.” Even with the name dropping, he wanted to ask. Part of him wanted to make sure that Dean was unavailable, that he shouldn’t get close in that way. 

“You have a lot of questions,” Dean said, looking at him. “Are you secretly trying to find out if I’ll be missed back home?” 

Was he really being that nosy? And asking too much? It had been a while since he’d met anyone new on the island, someone that he met and  _ wanted  _ to be friends with, or talk to. Or more. Anyone that he’d been remotely attracted to. 

Dean bumped Cas’s shoulder slightly with his hand, effectively getting him out of his own thoughts, when no reply followed. “I’m joking, Cas. I’m joking. I don't think I could ever cope completely by myself with the kid and have fun while doing it. Not to sound like a shitty parent but I honestly don’t think I could. I have a friend with me.”

“It doesn’t make you sound like a shitty parent,” Cas said. “If anything it sounds like you know when you need to ask for companions or help.”

“I kind of had to,” Dean admitted. “Jo is with me now, helping out a bit with Ben. Though I don’t have a partner, like you asked before. Ben has a mom, but we’re not together anymore and maybe that is for the best. We weren’t very good together.” He played with the rim of his can. “You know, I always do this stuff completely on my own, it’s nice to not have to do that for a change.”

“It does mean that I now know Ben has a mom to go home to if his dad goes missing, you know,” Cas joked, glad to see the grin light up Dean’s face. “Though I’m sorry, that sounds rough.”

“It can be,” Dean said. “I fought like crazy to take Ben on holiday for two weeks.” He shook his head, as if he was laughing at an inside joke that Cas couldn’t hear. “He had like, these baby classes she takes him to. They play music and rattle toys in their faces. That’s the reason she said I couldn’t take him. Honestly, parents can be weird. Just how it works you know, both want the best for him. Sometimes it’s just not easy.”

“You look young to already be coparenting,” Cas said carefully, not sure if he wasn’t asking for too much. He didn’t want to pry or ask too many things that were private, but he was curious. Curious how a young, single father ended up on their tiny island with one of his friends.

“You make it sound like I’m twelve.”

“I would say that you look about seventeen,” he said. “Though I haven’t met a lot of people in their early twenties who co-parent their child, either.”

“I’m twenty-five,” Dean supplied, “though that’s true. We just didn’t work and caught it early on and decided that this was the best way.”

“I’m glad that you can look at it that way,” Cas admitted.

“What do you do in life?” Dean asked him. “I’m tired of talking about me. What about you?”

“Well, you’ve seen what I do,” he answered, slightly taken aback. “There’s not a lot more to say here. I have the bookshop with Charlie, my best friend. Other than that, there’s nothing else going on with me.” Aside from the fact that he managed to disappoint his family on the daily because he didn’t have supernatural powers, and that he wished that he could move away from the island and find a new life for himself. “I’m just a bookstore owner who barely reads and watches crappy TV and sleeps in his spare time. I’m sorry to say that I’m not exactly exciting.”

“You’re good with kids,” Dean said. “They hung onto your every word when you were reading. Even Ben calmed down immediately.”

“I like kids,” Cas admitted, “always have. I used to babysit when I was younger. The reading hour is probably the only way I will ever get in contact with kids in that way, and I do enjoy it.”

“Why is that?” Dean asked, head tilted towards Cas.

“Well, I’m gay,” he answered, looking pointedly at the sand between his feet. He barely noticed that Dean looked at him, seemed to take him in but didn’t react in any specific way. “That kind of makes it more difficult.”

“Adoption?” 

Cas heard the change in Dean’s tone and he wanted to smack himself on the head. Talking to Dean was actually refreshing, nice. It felt like they were friends, meeting up after a long time of not seeing each other.

After he’d said that, though, Cas felt the energy change. Something felt off and odd between them now. Not like before.

“Not on the island,” he explained. “The paperwork is a mess. Getting a kid from anywhere is quite a feat.” Cas had looked into it a long time ago, when it seemed like him and his ex-boyfriend were long term. His research was nothing serious and it wasn’t like he truly thought it would happen soon. He just wanted to know. “So sadly, no.”

“I’m sorry.”

Neither Cas or Dean had looked at the time while they talked. It wasn’t until Dean looked at his watch that they realised they’d been talking for half an hour. It was already three pm.

“I should get going,” Dean said, getting up from where he’d been sitting next to Cas on the towel. “Ben will be waking up soon.”

“Of course.” Part of Cas wanted to thank Dean, say that it had been nice. But after the atmosphere had changed, he wasn’t sure that that would be the right thing to do. If that would be an okay thing to do. “See you around?

“Yeah.” Dean grabbed his wallet from the sand next to him - Cas hadn’t even noticed when he’d taken it out of his pocket - and slipped his shoes back on. “Bye. I hope you enjoy your book.”

“Thanks, bye.” 

Castiel watched as Dean walked away, in the direction of his house. 

Cas knew the island and which path Dean would take to get there, and that he’d be back at the house before Cas had even read a page of his book.

.•° ✿ °•.

It took Castiel half an hour of furiously trying to realise that he would not be able to read another page today. He read the same lines over and over and over again, trying to make sense of what was happening in the text and failing.

His mind kept wandering - he kept coming back to the same things, wondering to himself what he had done wrong, if he shouldn’t have said it. Cas had grown comfortable with being out to people. He too had bad experiences and people who didn’t react well to hearing about a boyfriend rather than hearing about a girlfriend but Cas had to admit that he really didn’t mind. He didn’t care if some random person in the grocery store saw him hold hands with his boyfriend and thought that it was a sin or walked away in the other direction.

Cas sighed. He knew that staying on the beach would be futile. He could try and read and still be here at the same sentence an hour later. He could run his eyes over ‘I spat on the ground’ twenty more times, and even so, he still wouldn’t get it. Even though it was a simple sentence. It was the most basic sentence, really. And still.

Still.

Still.

Cas knocked the sand off his shoes before stepping into them, gathering his belongings to take them back. He returned to the house almost feeling defeated. He’d had a nice day and thought that he had actually made a friend, until Dean left so quickly and smoothly it almost felt like Cas’s coming out closed all books.

He took off his shoes before he went inside, dropped the stuff in the hallway and fell down on the couch.

Somehow, he’d fucked it all up. 


	3. THREE

Castiel unlocked the door to the shop, barely avoiding the mistake of not turning the alarm off. It wouldn’t be the first time he barged in, setting off the alarms and getting a rude, screaming awakening. He was still too sleepy, barely awake after a night of tossing and turning. It was Cas’s turn to open up the shop today, get everything clean and ready and most importantly, to get the coffee brewing.

Charlie was due to come in in twenty minutes with beautifully smelling doughnuts as always and he’d have the coffee ready. He’ll have cleaned up the break room a bit for them, too. It meant running the dishwasher and vacuuming on good days, cleaning the floors properly and cleaning the countertops on a bad one. 

Thankfully, it was a good day. He only had to quickly vacuum the crumbs away and actually managed to get it done before Charlie came back, pink glazed doughnuts in tow.

“Cassie,” she grinned, plopping herself down on the chair. “How was your taste of freedom?” She pushed the doughnuts over to him, letting him pick the first one. “Did the dog toy get picked up?”

“Yes and no,” he sighed, digging into his doughnut first thing. It was sweet and sticky, perfect. “I ran into Dean when I was leaving and he told me Ben lost it.” Cas flushed his doughnut down with coffee, for a second ignoring how much he was living the American cop stereotype. 

“Dean? Ben?” She looked at him confused but curious. 

“The guy who came in late for reading,” he answered. “And my day off was nice, but weird.” It had been. Talking to Dean had been nice until he somehow messed it all up. He had to admit he liked Dean. Wanted to be friends with him; more. “I went to read on the beach but Dean walked up to me and we talked, but then he... I don’t know.”

“What happened?” 

He explained it to her vaguely, how they’d talked about all different kinds of things, gotten to the subject of kids. How he’d mentioned he could never adopt because of being on this island and that he probably won’t get any naturally because he’s gay. 

“I don’t know, Char,” he sighed, hands cupping his mug. “I don’t know what to make of it.” He knew what he took from it for himself - that he had overstepped and that he had crossed boundaries. He’d pushed Dean out even though he was trying to be friendly. Even though he was trying to be nice. 

“How did he react exactly?” Charlie asked, finishing the last of her doughnut. “You said he didn’t respond well, but what does that mean?”

“He barely did.” Castiel remembered how Dean’s shoulders had stiffened and how his voice had sounded different, more reserved, drawn back. “Just, everything. Tensed up, drew back, the entire thing.” He shook his head. “Left right after too.” 

“Because the kid was going to wake up,” Charlie supplied, eyebrows raised. “It’s not like he texted his friend to call him faking an emergency so he could get out.”

“The kid is his emergency friend.” Ben was, in a way. It was dumb of Cas to not realise it before. He could so easily say that he had to leave because Ben needed something even though he wouldn’t need anything at all. 

“If the kid was his emergency friend, he’d have Jo call him.”

“I really don’t know, Char - it doesn’t sit right with me.” It was like there was a brick in his stomach that refused to move, no matter how much he drank, no matter how much he tried to make it go away.

“Why do you care so much? He’s a random guy at the store.” 

Except that to Cas, he wasn’t just a random guy. He hadn’t been from the start. Cas jad been drawn to him, wanted to talk to him. If anything, he’d been glad that Dean had wanted to talk to him too - came to him out of his own free will on the beach.

“I don’t know, he’s a good guy. I like him.”

“But in which way?”

“What do you mean?”

“Do you want to hang out with him and watch soccer on Fridays or do you want to take him to a restaurant and then wake up in his arms the next morning?” she asked, a grin on her face. It told him that she was sure that she knew the answer.

“It’s dumb,” Cas said, avoiding the question. “It doesn’t matter anyway - he doesn’t want to see me.”

“What do  _ you _ want, Cas?” she asked, gentler this time.

“You know what I want,” he said. “If he hadn’t said what he did, I would have asked him if he wanted to hang out the next day and things would be perfect. At least I’d know where we stand.” He knew damned well that Dean might have still said no. That he might have still noped out of it and said that he wasn’t interested.

“You still can, Cas.” She looked at him over the rim of her coffee cup. “You don’t know that he didn’t expect it and was just surprised, if he’s closeted, if he just didn’t know how to respond.”

Cas hummed. He knew he should go for it, but he was scared. Scared that Dean would laugh in his face or react badly. That things wouldn’t be okay.

“It’s not like I’m gonna see him again.” Even though he knew that Dean would be on Fernweh for two weeks, he also knew that the chances of them meeting again and getting to talk would be small. 

“You never know. Just... Think about it, okay. It’s the first time in a long while that I heard you talk about someone like that.”

.•° ✿ °•.

The rush of the day swooped them up and carried them to its end. Through the days and into the nights, over and over and over again until it finally was Saturday night and Cas sat on the couch having a beer, questioning himself.

There was a movie playing in the background, but he had no clue what it was or if he even wanted to be watching it. All he knew was that he had been staring at it for far too long and that he still knew nothing about it.

He wished he could get Dean out of his mind, but the truth was that he couldn’t stop thinking about him. He’d run down the street to the store and he seemed to see him walk from the corner of his eye. Then he’d gone to Charlie’s to drop off some books he’d borrowed from her and there he’d been again, walking with a girl, probably Jo, both of them laughing.

He saw him everywhere. 

It didn’t help with Cas trying to forget him and just do his work. Part of him wanted to just ignore that Dean was alive and move on with his life. Even if he wanted to hang out with him, he knew that in one week, regardless of what happened, Dean would be getting on a boat back to the coast and in all likelihood, he wouldn’t be coming back.

Charlie noticed the change in Cas, how he was looking around to see if Dean would come in. She kept her questions to herself and didn’t ask about it, just talked about the usual. She tried to keep his mind occupied with jokes about her girlfriend or stories about customers that he’d missed because he’d been too busy doing other things in the store.

It was only on Monday morning that she finally brought it up. He was mentally preparing himself for the reading. He always went through the stories beforehand so he knew where there would be things to play off of or if there were things that he should note.

The books the kids could choose from were already laid out, the pillows were ready and the teddybears stood in a bin, ready to be attacked by the small army of children.

“So, do you think he’ll be here?” she asked, leaning against the counter.

“I don’t know,” he admitted. “He liked it last time, but I haven’t seen him around at all since the beach.” Which was true. Regardless of how much he had looked around and searched for him, Cas hadn’t seen Dean anywhere. 

“Are you ready to talk to him again?” she inquired. Charlie knew very well how anxious Cas had been about asking Dean out after what happened the last time they spoke. Her words had left an impact on him though - he did want to go out with Dean and have a coffee. Even if they were just friends and Cas got to ask why he had reacted the way he did. 

That would be okay for Cas, would almost fill a hole that left him with nothing but questions. 

“I think so. I’m gonna ask him for coffee and then see what he says.”

Over the past days, his brain had tried its hardest to remind him of how off and strange Dean had felt the moment that Cas started talking about being gay. Tried to remind him of just how much of a bad idea it was to ask him out. 

He almost felt the rejection looming over him like a dark cloud.

“I’ll hope for better weather,” she said sweetly. “I know you want to take him to the Inn.” 

The Inn had always been Cas’s favorite place to go, both by himself and with friends or dates. It was the perfect mix of outdoors, cute and good coffee at a good price point. The owners knew him well at this point - well enough to go out and give him discounts, or sneak him a cookie if he looked like he could use it.

“Thank you.” It had been terrible the past couple of days. Over the best of them, they’d been lucky to get some rays of sun during the day. Thick grey clouds had hung over the island. 

On the better days, they had no rain and the clouds sometimes broke. On bad days, it rained and rained and rained. It was almost a relief to see it. It made him feel like he wasn’t the only one feeling like this, but the sky was, too. 

“You can do it.” 

.•° ✿ °•.

People started trickling in eventually, the same faces, the same familiar crowd. Most were carrying umbrellas to protect them from the soft rain that had started falling. Most strollers had rain covers over them, kids kicking happily as the droplets raced down.

Cas happily greeted each of them and invited them to take a spot. He tried his best to hide the way he was looking out to see who would be coming in next, if it would be Dean and Ben. 

Charlie shook her head at him when she caught him looking out the window for the third time while one of the parents tried to chat him up. It wasn't exactly a parent, more of a grandparent, but Cas knew the kid well. Every time the grandma came with him, Cas got the same treatment- she tried to rope him into dating her daughter.

“I swear, you’d make a good husband,” she was telling him, one hand resting on his arm. “And I’m sure that -” There was movement by the door. A blonde woman that seemed vaguely familiar to him pushed it open so a man with a stroller could come through. A man he knew all too well.

“Excuse me, miss Jefferson,” he told her sweetly, “I need to greet the customers.”

“Of course, dear. Work goes first.” 

He hoped that she would leave early today, like she did when she had an appointment to get her nails done right after. The kid, Jeff, would stay and sit with the other bigger kids until the reading time was over, when his mother would pick him up. Cas didn’t mind doing it that way. Jeff was a nice kid and always very invested in the stories, even when they were too young for him. When his mom was late, he would sit down in the corner and flip through a book or play with some of the teddy bears.

Castiel didn’t get to Dean’s party before they sat down. He didn’t want to disturb them, figured this was where they’d chosen to be right now. He’d have to try afterwards to catch them before they left the store. If Dean stuck around a little bit like he had done before, it shouldn’t be any problem.

It would be okay.

It would be okay.

_ It would be okay. _

He told himself that. Over and over, and he promised himself that it was true. Just because he wasn’t talking to him  _ now _ didn’t mean that he wouldn't at all. 

.•° ✿ °•.

Cas’s eyes kept wandering. As much as he tried to keep his attention on the story, he found his eyes drifting to Dean. Dean, however, never took his eyes away from Ben, who was happily chewing on his dog’s ear. 

All he wanted to know was if he could look him in the eye. If Dean could look at him and look at him like he would look at a friend. Not as someone you don’t want to see and avoid.

Only once did they actually look eye to eye. Once, while Cas was wrapping up the story and closed the book. Cas wished that he could recognize what the look was trying to tell him.

Jo did make eye contact with him a couple of times. At least she seemed friendly, smiling at him, making Ben wave at him when there was a segment in the book in which the dragon flew off and Cas asked the kids to wave it goodbye.

At least  _ she _ seemed okay with him, happy with him. That had to stand for something. It couldn’t be that Dean had told her terrible things about him. If that was the case, wouldn’t she also avoid eye contact? Wouldn't they have decided to skip the reading altogether, sure that they shouldn’t hang out with a person like that?

It didn’t have to be a bad thing. Cas told himself that. Maybe he just wasn’t supposed to be interested in Dean. Maybe he had to go away from his foolish crush on a guy he had barely spoken to.

Cas walked up to them, willing everything inside of himself to be calm. He was jittery, nervous - as if he was seventeen again and talking to a crush for the very first time. Cas very clearly remembered asking a man out for the very first time, how scared he’d been, how he’d stumbled, how the guy had said no.

But he wasn’t that version of Castiel anymore. He was older, more mature and had had successful dates in the past. He had been with a man for two years before that guy had left the island and told him not to come with, that he didn’t want him to tag along.

“Hey, Cas,” Dean said before Cas even had a chance to say hi or properly walk up to them. “This is Jo, I told you about her? She’s the best friend also known as saviour that I mentioned the other day.”

“I remember, hi,” he said sheepishly, holding his hand out to Jo. “I’m Cas, thanks for coming.”

“Of course, man,” Dean said. “Ben loved it.” The boy was still happily looking around in Dean’s arms, a gummy grin on his lips. “Besides, it is nice to hear you speak like that. I told you you’re good with kids.”

“Well, I try my best,” he said.

“Dean’s said a lot about you,” Jo said with a grin, “and I have to admit I don't think that he lied in even the slightest.”

“Jo.” Dean sighed, bouncing Ben on his other hip. The boy was happily jumping back and forth against him, the dog firmly in his grasp. “It was nice to see you read again.” There was a small pause before the read, as if he had to search for what word to use.

Admittedly, something in Cas’s heart happily moved at the thought that Dean had been talking about him or mentioning him to Jo. It meant that he didn’t hate him, that he’d possibly been saying good things, positive things. It  _ had  _ to mean that Dean didn’t hate him. It had to, right? 

“Okay, okay, okay,” she laughed. “You did save us with the bear, thanks. I was just about ready to kill Dean over losing it.”

“Of course,” Cas said, “I had just closed the shop anyway, it was no problem. Besides - ” He wanted to add that it had been nice bumping into him again - that he was glad that it made them talk and that Cas mentioned the beach. “I have Tuesdays off anyway, it’s not like it made me lose any sleep. Just meant that I got my pizza a little bit later than I otherwise would have. I think that is nothing compared to having no sleep all night.”

“Still, thanks,” Dean said. He’d already thanked him for it more than once, which was ridiculous. “We should get going, we want to go to the museum before it rains again and it’s a little walk away.”

“Enjoy it there, I hope you’ll like it,” Cas said, biting his lip. He still hadn’t asked him. He still hadn’t found the courage to actually do it, especially with Jo there. He knew that he could deal with being rejected when he was alone with Dean - that would be okay. He didn’t feel okay being rejected in front of another person.

It was not even five minutes later that his chance walked out of the store, buggy first. He hated himself for not asking. Cas knew damned well that Dean would be going in another week and that that was the last he’d see of him for probably the rest of his life.

Dean would forever be his maybe. The one that got away before they could even give themselves a chance. The unrequited crush that he would never forget and in fifty years think back to still.

Cas was looking around the room dejectedly, watching as more people said bye and grabbed their stuff. With them, his last chance had left.

It was then that Cas saw the all too familiar dog on the ground at the entrance. The grey dog with chewed up ears that Ben had happily been munching on only moments ago.

Maybe this was his chance.

Castiel wasn’t sure that he’d even yelled at Charlie that he’d be right back before storming out of the door with the stuffed animal clutched in his hand. He couldn’t see Dean on the sidewalk anymore - they’d been swallowed by people going about their business, picking things up before their lunch break was over.

He was sure that he’d never find them, not in this mess.

That was until he saw Jo’s blonde hair in the distance, her pony tail swinging back and forth as they made their way towards the museum.

Cas ran for it, ignoring the annoyed glances as he forced his way past people, both tourists and locals that he’d been around all his life. Miss Jefferson threw him the ugliest of looks until she realised that it was him who had pushed past her and was now running to catch up. 

Sweat trickled down the back of his neck. He knew that he had to look a mess, hair sticking to him, face red as a tomato. He knew he  _ was  _ a mess, fair and square. He didn’t care though.

The second chance he had gotten was walking away from him, Ben still asleep on its shoulder. The closer Cas came, the clearer he saw the sleeping boy, Dean and Jo’s figure. He hated that he could see them both so clearly now but that they were close to the museum. Just a few more steps and they’d make their way inside and he couldn’t follow them.

“Dean!” he yelled, surprised that his lungs had enough air in them to yell. 

Dean looked around quizzically, not sure that it was him being called for. When he saw Cas speed walking towards him, the question in his expression only doubled.

“Cas?” he asked, surprised. Cas couldn't quite answer, he was too out of breath. He needed a minute.

“You - forgot - this,” he panted, holding out the teddy bear for Dean to grab. “Again.”

“Dean,” Jo groaned. She’d turned around when Dean had said Cas’s name, surprised to be hearing it again so soon. “Why are you so deadset on losing it over and over and over again?”

“You might have to put it on a leash,” Cas joked, waiting for either of them to take it. “I figured I might still catch you.”

“Thanks, man,” Dean said quietly. He carefully moved his sleeping son to the stroller, Ben barely stirring as he buckled him in. “I owe you one.”

“How about you have coffee with me?” Cas asked, words too quick to properly make them out. “Any of these days? Before you leave?” 

Dean had given him the perfect oportunity to ask. He didn’t owe him anything, but if Dean thought that, maybe he could spin it that way, maybe he would want to.

“I’d love to,” Dean answered, almost to Cas’s surprise. He hadn’t expected him to sound so sincere and honest, almost as if he’d wanted to ask him too. As if that had been what he’d wanted from the start. “When can you?

“Well, tomorrow is my free day, but I can arrange for Charlie to let me go earlier today if that is what you want? Any day that works for you.” 

Dean glanced to the side, to Jo. Almost as if he was asking her if it was okay. If it was alright to drop Ben home with her.

“I’ll go to the beach with Ben,” she said softly. “Any day works.” Maybe Cas was imagining it, but he was sure that he saw her wink at Dean. 

“Tomorrow then,” Dean said, almost excitedly. “When?”

“Around noon, I know this great place where they do amazing coffee. I can pick you up at where you are staying?” He obviously had an idea where Dean was staying, but he didn’t want to come across as a creep.

“Give me your phone?” Dean asked, before taking it and punching in his number. “Text me later? I’ll give you the address.”

“That sounds great.” Cas couldn’t help but grin at that. Things were actually working out the way he had wanted them to. No, it hadn’t gone perfect and yes, there were still a lot of things that he wanted to ask Dean.

Cas was acutely aware that they in a way barely knew each other. That neither of them had the faintest clue about the others' lives and how they were doing. Yet, he liked him. Liked his personality, liked to hang out with him. Heck, he wished that he could hang out with him more.  _ Really  _ get to know him. 

“I’ll text you later,” he promised Dean. “Um, I’ll let you go in now. Charlie must be wondering where I am, too. I just ran out to see if I could catch up with you.”

“Talk to you later,” Dean said, with a smile on his lips. 

Castiel came back to the store fifteen minutes after he’d left. Charlie looked up at him quizzically from where she was picking up the books that were scattered all around the floor. The kids had all left by now, only two lonely people browsing the shelves quietly.

“Thought you’d leave me with the clean up, huh?” she joked, throwing one of the pillows his way. He easily caught it and joined her in picking things up. It wasn’t too bad today, with less kids coming in because of the weather. The people in seemed to be too busy with browsing to want to go pay anyway. They’d say something - they always did.

“Well, I got myself a date in the meanwhile,” he said, unable to keep the grin off his face, “so I feel like it’s a win-win situation for me.”

“You didn't?” she asked. “You bolted out of the door to get yourself a date when you had the perfect chance to do it while he was still inside?

“They forgot the teddy bear again,” he explained, “I ran after them to bring it back and then just, blurted it out.” He knew that he looked like a mess and that he had to sound like an excited schoolboy. For a second, that’s what he felt like though. A happy and excited schoolboy who had just gotten himself a date that might not even be a date at all.

Outside, the first rays of sun broke through the clouds that afternoon. Charlie stood by the window, happily appreciating the warmth on her skin.

“It’s been so moody and weird out lately,” she sighed, “and then they say that climate change isn’t an actual thing.”

“We both know humans are idiots sometimes,” Cas said. “It is nice though, I have to agree.” He too had missed feeling the warmth on his skin and seeing the sun, even though he knew that he couldn’t have truly appreciated it, not overthe past couple of days.

Now it almost felt like a promise, that good things were coming.


	4. FOUR

Castiel woke up to the darkness of his room, the curtains firmly shut. The past day had passed in a haze: he’d worked in the bookshop, come home and had food and fallen asleep. Cas barely remembered setting his alarms and texting Dean.

The clock was blinking 7:06 back at him, taunting him.

For the last half an hour he’d been staring at it, watching the numbers change slowly. He’d been hoping to blink and see the numbers change, see them turn to at least ten am. He’d hoped to have only three hours to fill with anxious thoughts, to fret about what might happen.

His brain refused to shut off. It kept looping back, no matter how often he reassured himself that it would be fine. It was no fancy occasion, it was just a drink. If things went south, it would be awkward and painful but at least he’d know.

Castiel couldn’t get himself to fall asleep again, no matter what he tried.

.•° ✿ °•.

The shower felt warm and comforting on Cas’s shoulders and back. It helped him relax the muscles he subconsciously held tensed up. It was easy to forget the time, forget the date. He hummed a song under his breath as he rinsed the shampoo out of his hair, narrowly avoiding getting it in his eyes.

Cas knew very well he could still be in bed, lounging. Watching television or reading, still snuggled up under his blankets. He was too wired to do that, wanted to be moving, fidgeting, doing  _ something _ . 

Instead of the anxiety rolling in his gut, he focused on the smaller things: getting out of the shower, shaving his face, blow drying his hair and putting pomade in it; then afterwards on picking out his boxers, staring at the pile of clothes on the bed.

Before going under the shower, he’d tried to figure out what to wear and drawn a full on blank.

Almost on impulse, he picked up his phone, dialing Charlie’s number. He put her on speaker, sat down in bed surrounded by the piles. Castiel surprised himself by being a little lost in this situation. It had been too long since he’d gone anywhere with anyone. 

“Cas?” Charlie asked. In the background, the usual sounds of the bookshop he loved so much: the faded sounds of the radio playing in the breakroom, the spluttering of the coffee pot. “What’s up?”

“What do you wear on a date?” he asked, feeling pathetic for himself. He was a grown man. He should be able to pick things. Yet, he needed the reassurance. 

“Well, in my case, a dress,” she joked. “But probably something casual, Cas. A shirt and jeans, nothing too fancy.”

“Thanks, Char.” It was all that he needed to hear, that it was okay to just show up comfy.

“Let me know how it goes, tiger,” Charlie laughed, “I should open up the shop, Cas. Talk to you later?”

“Talk to you later,” he sighed, letting the phone fall to the bed when he heard the dial tone that meant the call was over.

In the end, he Cas settled on a soft black shirt and jeans. Comfortable enough to make him feel good in them, and casual enough that he wouldn’t give Dean the impression that he was expecting more out of their coffee date than it was. Than  _ he _ thought it was.

His clothes were still scattered about among the bed, piles of _ not good enough _ and  _ maybe _ that he’d overthought. The task of cleaning them up again was daunting, but he knew it would make him calm down and force him to do something with his hands. It would keep him busy and going, even when his brain wanted to focus on possible doom in the next couple of hours. 

Cas didn’t think that he’d ever seen his clothes so neat and organised since he’d moved in, over a year ago.

It was nice to have it looking neat for a change. He knew that he was subconsciously doing it just in case they’d end up at his house; he knew that he was subconsciously making everything look nice and clean.

Perfectly imperfect for any visitors that might stumble upon it. He had also cleaned up the room, straightened his sheets and finally emptied the bin in the corner that had been close to overflowing for over two weeks now. 

While he was making breakfast, he cleaned up the kitchen, emptying containers and wiping off counters. They were all things that he  _ knew  _ he didn’t have the energy for most days and he otherwise wouldn’t have right now, either. The pressure pushed him to. 

He forced himself to have breakfast, even though the lump in his throat almost forced him not to. Cas wasn’t hungry, but he knew he had to eat.

.•° ✿ °•.

Cas walked out of the house early, even though he knew that it was barely a five minute walk to Dean’s home. His hands felt sweaty and the bag on his shoulder extra heavy under the heat and anxiousness. It was going to be fine. It was going to be okay. It was going to be nice to hang out with him.

Before walking over, Castiel forced himself to take a moment and sit down, light a cigarette, watch the surroundings. It calmed him, seeing the people walking on the beach, toes burying in the sand. He loved seeing the little kids run around, shrieking when the water hit them and it turned out to be cold.

It reminded him that in some aspects of it, he was lucky to live here. He could live with all this beauty all year round; he could spend his time walking this beach and enjoying the view, even in winter, even when it wasn’t that pretty. 

.•° ✿ °•.

Dean was already out on the porch when Castiel approached the summer cabin, and sitting in the rocking chair Ellen kept in the pretense that it added some charm to the place. He was staring out in the distance, almost thoughtfully. 

As Cas got closer, he could see Ben asleep against his chest. The little boy was snuggled up against him, the dog clutched in his hand and his pacifier half out of his mouth. Something warmed in Cas’s chest seeing this, a small squeeze of his heart that made his entire chest constrict.

“You’re early,” Dean said quietly, for the first time showing that he’d even seen Cas approach him. “Hey.”

“I live closeby,” he shrugged. “He’s not having trouble sleeping anymore?”

“Thankfully.” Dean rubbed his face and for a second, it was clear just how tired he really was. How much the not getting sleep must have weighed on him. “Wanna help me out here for a second? Can you hold him for me?”

“Sure.” Cas stepped closer to Dean, arms reaching out towards the sleeping boy. For a moment, he allowed himself to linger there, breathing in the smell of Dean, of his cologne. Ben shifted as he was lifted from his father’s lap. For a second his eyes opened, but the second Castiel held him against his shoulder, rubbing his back, he closed them again and settled. He was back asleep before he could even realise he had been moved.

“Good job.” Dean had his head tilted, a small smile as he took them in. “It shows you babysat.” He seemed to think for a moment before continuing. “It’s a shame you don’t think you’ll have kids - you’d make a great dad.”

“Yeah,” Cas sighed, pulling his gaze from Dean to the sleeping boy on his shoulder. His pacifier pressed hard against his collarbone, but he didn’t mind, couldn’t mind. “I just don’t think it’s gonna happen. Not as long as I live here.”

“Do you ever think about getting oout?” 

The question took Cas off guard. 

“Moving somewhere where you could?”

“Sometimes. But then again. This is all I know. It’s my home.” At least in one way. Sometimes. 

“Why don’t you come inside, we can put him in the crib, say hi to Jo and go if you want to.”

.•° ✿ °•.

They left ten minutes later, Ben safe and sound asleep in his crib. Jo wished them a good day on their way out, throwing Dean a wink that she thought only Dean had seen. Cas couldn’t help but smile at it. Best friends were weird like that sometimes.

The dark clouds from the morning had dispersed, leaving a clear sky. For the first time in days, it looked like the gloom was out of the sky and had been replaced by warm and comforting rays of light for good. 

They made their way up a small road in comfortable silence, the two of them walking in sync. It wasn’t far to the cafe, as Cas had promised Dean. 

It was his favorite place to be, even if he didn’t know why he loved it so much. It was just a cute cafe with flowers on the windows and comfortable benches to sit outside.

It was an old building, the brick visible on the inside walls, small cracks lining through it. Maybe it was that that he loved so much - that it didn’t feel foreign, but a home away from home. A place to sit and relax. 

Usually it was pretty quiet because of the hidden location, but that was part of the appeal of it. 

“I’ve been coming here for years,” Castiel said as they sat down on the terrace. “Seven or eight years, probably? I accidentally found it when I was looking for a calm spot to write some essays.” He used to love sitting in the mismatched furniture with a book and just people watch. Slowly, the owners started recognising him, knowing his regular drinks. 

“It looks great,” Dean said, looking around.

“That used to be my table,” Cas said, pointing to a table in the far corner of the cafe. It was surrounded by bookshelves, where their small collection of secondhand books used to live. They’d stopped taking in new books a while ago, the shelves thinning out to only a few volumes. “Used to be filled with books that they used to sell, stopped doing it. Half of the books in my house came from here though.”

“That’s cute,” Dean remarked, looking over the shelves. “Let’s sit there?”

They sat down in the corner, exchanging pleasantries. Castiel felt a little awkward again, sitting in front of Dean. There were so many things that he did want to ask him and wanted to know. Like what the reason was that he reacted that way before, if he maybe wanted to hang out with him more often, what was happening between them.

“What can I get you, boys?” Anna asked with a smile, grinning when she noticed she’d made her brother jump. “Hi, Cas.”

“Hi, Anna,” he said with a grin, glad to see her again. “Vanilla iced coffee please.” 

“Extra milk?” she asked, somehow still knowing his order. It surprised him. It was how he’d always made it for himself, when he’d been in the cafe and working.

“Yes please.”

“What about your friend?” she asked, turning to Dean. She looked him up and down, as if inspecting him. She turned her eyebrow up at friend, as if she was asking him what was going on there. “What can I bring you?”

“Same please,” Dean said, sneaking a smile to her. “Less vanilla?”

“Wise choice,” she said with a wink. She nodded to Cas. “We were pretty sure he’d develop early diabetes for how much he used it when he worked here. Coming right up!”

“So you’ve now met my sister,” Cas sighed. “I forgot she worked here.” It was a meagre explanation, but he owed it to him.

“You worked here?” 

“Yeah, over the summers when I was younger.”

“I didn’t peg you for a barista,” Dean admitted, “It can be a shit job. My brother used to work at a local Starbucks. The stories he told back that summer.” His face relaxed when he was talking about his brother. It was clear that he loved the kid, from his posture to the way he spoke. 

Cas laughed. “I used to spend a lot of days here writing my essays or just reading books. Home wasn’t always the…” He struggled to find the words to describe it. “Best place to be.” He grew more quiet, making sure that his sister couldn’t hear him. “It was my second home here.”

“Until your sister started working here?”

“Oh, no, that was only half a year ago,” he said, “thankfully.” He knew that once his sister would have worked there, that he would have completely lost the safety of the place. “Mostly until I opened the shop and life started going crazy. Same reason that I don’t read a lot anymore.”

“Here you go,” Anna said, appearing with their coffees. “Have you given mom a call yet, Cas?”

“No, why should I?”

“I heard about the fight on Sun-”

“That’s something between me and mom,” Cas said, cutting her short. “Besides, I have a date. I’d rather not talk about that right now.” The words slipped out his mouth before he could stop them.

Dean’s arched eyebrow told him enough. He wished that Anna would just fuck off right now, so he could explain to Dean and tell him what it really was like. That he was sorry for putting it that way. That he hadn’t meant to.

“Of course, just call her, will you?”

“I’ll think about it,” he promised her half heartedly. Cas watched his sister walk off and go back to the bar. He forced himself to put his hands around the cup of coffee, cooling them down. He made himself llook at he drink, too, not at Dean and his questioning face. “I’m sorry about her.” The last thing he wanted to do was bring Dean into the family drama.

“It’s okay,” Dean promised, almost mirroring Cas’s stance.

“I don’t always have the best relationship with my mother. We used to get along but a lot of things have changed over the past couple of years. She cares about things and wants me to do my best to look amazing. I’ve decided not to care.” 

It was hard to talk about this kind of stuff without giving away things or looking crazy. Even though there were always rumors about his family and people knew that they could do  _ more _ . It was a silent agreement that the tourists didn’t hear and they were safer for it.

“I’m sorry,” Dean said, trying his drink for the first time. Cas was completely ready for his face to pull from how sweet the drink was, but it didn’t. Instead, he took another sip and sighed happily. “My brother would absolutely hate it, but I love it. He’s trying to get me to eat and be healthier, don’t think it’s really working so far.”

“They always have the best intentions,” Cas answered, “doesn’t always work that way, but the thought is there. At least I hope that it is there.” He was silent for a little while, looking at his drink and stirring with the straw absentmindedly. “How old is your brother?”

“He’s twenty one now, studying law at Stanford, the smart ass.”

“You must be proud of him.”

“Yeah,” Dean admitted, “I am. He’s doing good, got himself a girl.” Cas could feel the warmth in Dean’s voice as he talked about him. “You know, he’s four years younger than me, but he’ll forever be a baby.”

“I get that.” 

He did get it. Gabriel would forever be the younger one in Cas’s eyes and he’d forever be a kid, regardless of how old he was. “Not with Anna, she’s the same age as me, but with my younger brother Gabriel. He’s finishing high school this year. You have no idea how old that makes me feel.”

Dean laughed and it was the most beautiful sound that Castiel had heard in a very long time. His face seemed to light up when he did it. For a second, he didn’t look as tired, he just looked alive.

“I was the same with Sam, trust me. Hell, he still makes me feel old.” 

They talked for what felt like hours over their iced coffees. They’d gotten looser around each other, talking about old memories and parents, about weird things that brothers could do that sometimes completely creeped them out. 

It was odd, to feel so incredibly connected again to someone. After his past relationship, Cas had not felt that with anyone. Yet here he was, feeling connected and drawn to Dean even though they were no more than two new friends talking.

Anna gave them a questioning look when they left. She asked Cas again if he please wanted to call their mother and talk to her, and he promised her that he would at least give it a try.

“Do you want to maybe come in for a little bit?” Cas asked Dean when they passed by his house on their walk back. They’d taken the long and scenic route, past his place. “I. I kinda want to ask you something else as well.” He’d been too uncomfortable at the cafe to ask why he’d reacted that way back on the beach; too aware that his sister was there and that Dean might not be comfortable in a room full of strangers.

“That sounds nice,” Dean answered, following Cas inside.

Castiel was highly aware that even though he had cleaned the house that morning, it still felt like a mess. Suddenly he was incredibly self conscious about everything - from the way the blankets were folded to the pictures on the walls.

He’d taken any suspicious ones that couldn’t be explained by photo manipulation down. Over the years, they had plenty of pictures taken where something was casually flying in the background or where his mother was turning on their stovetop without a match but just her fingers. There were some “cool” ones where she was showing off in front of a much younger version of his siblings and him. He could hardly explain those.

“Sit down, make yourself at home,” he said to Dean before going to the kitchen. “Do you want anything to drink?”

“No, I’m good, thanks though.” 

Castiel grabbed himself a big glass of water and sat down on the couch next to Dean, suddenly incredibly self conscious.  _ How _ should he ask?

“What did you want to ask?”

“Well,” Cas said, his voice coming out dry and croaky. He took a big sip of his water, before looking at Dean again. “You reacted kinda weird when I told you I’m gay and then you left really soon after.”

“Oh.” it was all Dean said for a little while and ice crept up Cas’s spine. He had made a mistake by asking, he knew that now. He knew that things weren’t okay.

“It’s okay,” he lied. “If you’re not okay with that, it’s okay. You don’t have to say anything.” He got his mind ready to get up and get away from the situation, to forget all about him. Maybe once upon a time he’d turn into one of the stories he told about the straight guy he had once fallen in love with.

Maybe.

Maybe.

Maybe.

“No, that’s not it,” Dean said, “I don’t mind at all. I just was taken aback, that’s all. I didn’t know that’s how it came across.” Dean actually looked apologetic, looking at his head instead of at Cas’s face. “I guess I didn’t know because it was easier for me. I am into women as well. It’s easier to adopt in Kansas. Not as many loopholes and paperwork. I  _ have _ a beautiful son. And I did have to leave, I promised Jo that I’d be back in an hour and completely lost my eye on the time talking to you.”

“As well?” Castiel asked, almost surprised. He hadn’t expected to hear the words, especially after the silence that followed just now. “What do you mean?”

“Well, I’m bi.” It was simple as that. Three little words and it made his world a lot nicer for just a moment. He knew very well that it didn’t have to mean that Dean was into him or that he now had a chance with him, but at least he was into guys. That was a pretty solid start in his book. “So yeah, I like women as well.” 

Castiel didn’t quite know how to respond to that. He knew what he wanted to say, and that was that it was nice. But he didn’t know if that wouldn’t be too weird.

He decided against it.

“I wasn’t expecting that either,” Cas lied, knowing that he had wanted that to be a thing. He’d wanted Dean to be somewhere on the spectrum. He’d wanted to have a chance with him. He’d wanted to know that he stood a chance at being loved by him. “I’m glad that it’s easier for you.”

It was the next best thing he could do. The next best thing he could say.

“Me too. I’m sorry, man.” Dean shook his head. “You have someone?”

“I don’t, haven’t for quite a while at this point. Life just got in the way.” He ignored the way his heart still slightly ached. “It’s the way the island works. People leave. Especially younger people, they leave and never come back. Sometimes I envy them.”

“Have you ever wanted to leave with someone?” Dean asked him.

“Sometimes,” Cas admitted. “The island life can be isolating. There’s not a lot happening here. Sometimes, it sounds so nice to just leave and live another life that I actually want to live.” He couldn’t tell Dean about the magic and just how big a part it was in his decision to want to leave. How much it made him feel that he didn’t belong.

“That’s fair,” Dean said. “To me, it’s just a beautiful island that we’ve enjoyed a lot. But I get that for you it is a lot more than that.”

“It’s a lot less pretty if it’s the only thing you’ve known for twenty five years.” He still saw the beauty in the island and knew that people who saw it from the outside could only see that. They didn’t get the insider culture, how much it truly could be isolating. “Thank you for telling me. I thought I’d scared you away by saying that.

“You didn’t at all,” Dean said with a small blush on his cheeks. “Today was nice, if anything. I had a really nice time.”

“Me too.”

“You know, we lucked out with the weather,” Dean said all of a sudden, looking at the sun streaming in through the window. “It was so grey the entire day I was sure it would rain. I’m glad that it didn’t and that the sun decided to show itself.”

“Yeah.” Cas had to agree. He’d been scared when the clouds didn’t seem to be going away, like they predicted they would. Only once he’d been with Dean did they reveal the sun peaking though. “I’m glad it decided to be nice and warm after all.” 

“I might have to go back, rescue Jo from Ben,” Dean said almost apologetically. “I know that she said that I could take as long as I wanted to but...”

“Dad wants to be with his kid,” Cas said with a small smile on his lips. “Don’t worry, I get it. I would be the same.”

“Thank you,” Dean sighed. “Today really was nice, Cas.”

“Yeah, it was,” Cas repeated. “If you ever want to hang out, you know where to find me. Either here or at the shop. If I have energy, I’m making dinner at some point this week. If you want to join me, you’re always welcome to.”

“Thank you.” 

Cas wasn’t sure if Dean would even take him up on it or say that he just didn’t want to go or didn’t have time - which would be fair.

Cas didn’t even know if he would have the energy to cook something after busy days at the shop, anyway. He wanted to try though, he wanted to see if he could give Dean one more Fernweh memory to never forget. 


	5. FIVE

Castiel stood in the dimly lit grocery store, looking at his options on what he could cook. Charlie had told him to leave an hour early, on the notice that it would be his day opening up the shop by himself the next day anyway.

Somehow, the week had progressed to Friday. It stressed Cas out, knowing that he’d only have two more days to be together with Dean. Two more days to figure out if this was something that either of them wanted. 

Castiel hoped with all of his might that both of them did want it. It was why he had his phone in hand, ready to call Dean and see if he would be okay with having dinner together tonight. It had to be now. It had to be.

“This is Dean,” Dean said, picking up the phone. His voice sounded different over the phone, the slight distortion almost making it sound like he had woken him up from a pleasant dream.

“Hey, Dean. It’s Cas. So, do you still feel like having dinner at my place? Maybe tonight, seven pm? Would that work?” Cas barely stopped to take a breath in between words. They rushed out like a waterfall. 

“I’d love to.” He could almost hear the smile in Dean’s voice. “ But I promised Jo that she’d have the night off tonight. She’s hanging out with some people she met here.”

_ Oh. _

“I’m sorry,” Cas said softly. “I hope that maybe tomorrow would work?” He knew for a fact that he would be late and that there was no way that he’d be able to cook. Take out pizza would be good too, he knew that much.

“I was thinking maybe we could cook at the cabin? Dean asked carefully. “I know it wouldn’t really be a date because Ben would be there but. It would still be nice to hang out with you.”

It would be nice. Cas didn’t mind in even the slightest if Ben would be there, knowing that by the time that they’d get to cooking and eating, he’d be tucked away in his crib. Maybe he’d wake up a couple of times and need comforting or a clean diaper or anything of the sorts.

Cas loved kids, always had.

“Of course I don’t mind,” he said, trying to keep his enthusiasm from completely showing in his voice. “It sounds nice to me. Do you know when you want to cook?”

“I don’t care.” He could hear Jo talk in the background and the cling of keys. “Jo is leaving right now I think, so any point after now.”

“Okay, that works for me. I’m picking up food right now, how about I drive over after I get out of the store?”

“Sounds nice to me,” Dean said. “See you soon?”

“See you soon.”

.•° ✿ °•.

Castiel arrived at the cabin with a bottle of wine in his hands and a full to the brim bag over his shoulder. For a moment, he allowed himself to sit in the car and let his mind run. Dean had been the one to say the word date over the phone. This was actually what he’d wanted from the moment he’d properly talked to Dean.

Dean was already standing on the porch when Cas got out of the car, a grin on his face. He was leaning on the fence surrounding it and lit up from the back, he was beautiful. For a second, Cas’s brain entertained the idea this was just him coming home from a day of work. That this was his home. Dean was his home. The handsome guy with the tousled hair and the most beautiful smile.

Cas let himself believe it until he was standing next to him and let in by Dean. He dropped the grocery bag on the kitchen counter and put down the bottle of wine. The place was clean for a summer cabin. Cas remembered the years well when his family would sometimes take a summer trip and wherever they were staying turned into a mess until the day they were leaving and were forced to pack things up.

“You’re keeping the place tidy,” he said appreciatively. “It’s nice here.”

“We try,” Dean shrugged. “Some days it’s better than other days. It was an absolute mess yesterday, to be honest. Jo took the time to clean up a little earlier when she came back from the beach. It wasn’t my doing, I can promise you that.” The sound of Dean’s laugh was the most beautiful. Cas let it echo around in his head, let it settle there. To keep, to cherish.

.•° ✿ °•.

They ended up cooking together, Dean at Cas’s side handing him ingredients or stirring in pots that Cas had no time to keep an eye on. Somewhere along the way, they’d gone from awkward around each other in the kitchen to a well-oiled team.

Every once in a while, Dean’s hand would run across Cas’s or touch his arm and every time it sent shivers up his spine and made the hairs on his arm stand upright. It was a nice feeling, a comfortable feeling. He liked it.

Ben only started crying once during the whole ordeal. Cas could hear Dean speak to him in a hushed voice and he watched him as he lifted the baby up from his crib, pressed him against his shoulder and rubbed his back. Then watched his back as he changed his diaper and put him back down, everything very quiet all of a sudden.

It wasn't until then that Castiel realised that he’d forgotten all about the boiling pasta and the chunks of meat that were starting to burn in the pan.

With a small curse, he stirred them around and drained the pasta.

He’d collected himself enough by the time Dean came back - without the baby - and slid to his spot next to him.

“I think we’re done,” Cas announced as he mixed the pasta into the sauce, making it somehow look more appealing that it did when it was all separate. “Time for food.”

“Finally,” Dean said, reaching to grab the wine glasses from the top cabinet. “Let me get the wine, you get the plates?”

“Deal.”

They ate in silence for a big part of the meal, both of them enjoying the food too much and being too hungry to get out more than a few words before bringing another fork full to their mouths. It was nice to see that Dean was enjoying it. Cas kept glancing out of the corner of his eye, trying to pretend he wasn’t watching. Trying, and failing.

Only by the time their plates were half empty did they slow down enough to have a lazy conversation. Cas had to admit that the wine was already getting to his head a little, having finished his glass by the time he finished the plate.

Dean too must have been feeling it, because his cheeks had gone a slight red.

“You know, it’s cute,” Cas remarked as they put their dishes in the sink. “Your cheeks kinda go red.”

“Well, I’m glad that you at least think so,” Dean said, filling their glasses halfway again before carrying them to the couch with him.

They settled close to each other, the TV playing in the background. Castiel didn’t pay any attention to what was actually on the TV and instead watched Dean. He did it unapologetically this time; he didn’t care if Dean noticed that he was watching.

“What are you doing?” Dean asked him finally. “Eyes on the screen.”

“You’re very distracting,” Cas shrugged.

It was then that Dean full on turned towards him, legs pulled up on the couch. He looked at him as if he was mentally preparing to ask him something, as if there was something that bothered him and he wanted to know.

“I have a weird question for you,” Dean announced. “I know it’s probably bullshit and that people in town just made it up, but I kind of wanted to ask you anyway. It intrigued me.”

“Shoot.” 

“Well, when we were looking for some ideas on how to get the kid to sleep, we talked to some people who live here. We heard some interesting stories whispered.”

“Oh?”

“They told me that I should look up Naomi Novak,” he said, “that as much as it wasn’t common practice or medically tested, she had some  _ homemade  _ things at her home that might help calm Ben down. Bewitched things.”

Castiel’s heart was beating fast in his chest. He knew that for Dean it probably just felt like an urban legend and that the people were fucking with him. That it was all a load of crap. That he’d been fooled.

But he hadn’t been. Cas didn’t know if it was his tipsy brain erasing all the boundaries that he’d so carefully put up over the last couple of days, or if it was that Dean in a way truly felt like home to him. More than his family did right now, more than anything.

“What do you think?” Cas asked him cautiously, curiously.

“I don’t believe in it,” he admitted, “I know that it’s probably one of the stories that the local folk tell visitors to have a good tale to tell when they’re back on the mainland and talk about their holiday.”

“It’s not,” Castiel admitted gently. “It is true in a way. My mom does sell little home remedies that she makes herself and yes, they’re right in saying that they’re all bewitched in a way.” Castiel knew exactly what his mother would have given them. It was a sweet balm that tasted like honey, but was safe for kids to ingest. He’d seen multiple parents come in with it in their pockets whenever their kids were teething or not sleeping or just uncomfortable.

“Your mom is a witch?” Dean asked incredulously. “You have to be kidding me.”

“Trust me here, I wish I was.” If he was kidding Dean, it would mean that his mother wasn’t a witch and they would be able to have regular conversations together, without forcing him to try new things in an attempt to find his magic. “She is a well, healing witch, if you can call it that.” They’d never truly given it a name in their family. People did what they did and that was it. “She follows her grandmother - my greatgrandmother’s - footsteps. She will not make you a potion to fall in love or kill someone. But she’ll make you a soothing syrup that will both soothe your pain, but also will actually slowly heal your throat. Which is not what other syrups do. It’s her doing.” 

Castiel was very well aware that Dean was almost flat out staring at him, but he couldn’t keep his mouth shut now he’d opened the can of worms. “The people are not supposed to say anything to visitors. It’s  _ our  _ secret. Gabe can make things levitate in the air, Anna can set things on fire without a spark of wood nearby. It’s normal here. I know it sounds strange.”

He knew very well exactly how strange it did sound. He knew that for anyone who didn’t know them, it came as a shock. That it made them seem crazy. Like the whole island was high on some drug that they didn’t think they’d ever get off of.

“Okay?” Dean said, the confusion clear in his voice. “What about you?”

The question shook Cas for a little while. Usually people didn’t ask about him - they knew that he hadn’t and probably wouldn’t ever figure out what his gift was. He had made peace with that. Stuffed it away in a piece of his brain where he didn’t even know if he’d be able to access it gain.

“Me?”

“What is your gift?”

“It’s simple - I don’t have one.” Castiel now too sat with his legs folded under him, facing Dean, one hand gently on the other man’s leg. They were so close that they were almost forced to touch and look each other in the eye. “Normally we show signs of it before twenty, often long before that. I’m twenty five and there have been zero reasons to believe that I will at an undetermined point in time. I don’t even want it to at this point, I think.” 

“I’m sorry,” Dean said. “It’s weird. But I think I believe you.”

Castiel didn’t quite know what to say to that. Dean believed the crazy shit that he was telling him?

“Is there anything you want to ask?” Castiel asked cautiously. “Any burning questions?”

“Not right now, maybe when I’m feeling less tipsy,” Dean admitted.

“Okay, that’s fair,” Cas mumbled. There was an unease settling in his chest at the thought that Dean might still stray from him once he realised that actually, yes, that was Cas’s family. “I do have something to ask you.”

Castiel barely waited for Dean to nod.

“Can I kiss you?” He’d been staring at those beautiful eyes and lips for far too long not to want to kiss them, feel them against his own lips. He had wanted to kiss Dean from the moment he saw him standing there and took him in. 

Instead of answering, Dean pulled him closer, their lips finally, blissfully meeting. His lips felt soft against Cas’s, so perfectly shaped to fit his mouth. He could smell Dean’s cologne, feel the soft stubble against his chin, the soft hand cupping his face. His other hand was gently laid on his back, pulling him closer when it seemed both parties were interested.

They looked at each other for a brief moment, before Castiel pulled Dean closer and kissed him again, hard this time. His hand thousling through his hair, another at the small of his back.

Their kisses became heated, Dean’s fingers making their way down Cas’s back to the hem of his shirt and under. It felt like electricity running across his skin, setting him on fire. He crawled into Dean’s lap, letting him take off his shirt in the process. He on his turn slipped his hands under Dean’s shirt, feeling the smooth strong skin, the faint lines of muscle. He took it off, too.

Without his shirt, looking up at Cas as if there was nothing else that he wanted to do but to kiss every inch of skin, Castiel didn’t think he’d ever seen anyone look as hot in his entire life. Not his ex-boyfriend, not porn stars, nothing could compare.

He pulled Dean back in and hands in hair, they slowly grinded against each other, the slightest friction sending waves of pleasure up their spine.

“Bedroom?” Dean asked, his breathing heavy and laboured.

“Yes.”

All other layers of clothing disappeared in a matter of minutes the second they got into the bedroom. They stripped almost with efficiency. Every extra inch that Cas could see of Dean’s body made him want him even more.

Dean pushed him on the bed, crawling on top of him only to kiss him hard, hands roaming. Just the feel of Dean’s dick against his was enough to make make him go crazy. Dean kissed down his neck, his chest, licking and sucking at his nipples until Cas was writhing and moaning and asking him please. Begging him.

He just wanted him, wanted his touch, wanted to have him, be his.

Most of all, he wanted to come with nothing but Dean’s name on his lips.

He woke up in Dean’s arms the next morning, light filtering in through the curtains. Castiel had no sense of time, no sense of space. The only thing he knew were Dean’s arms around his waist and Dean’s skin on his skin.

He could contentedly sleep like this forever, just drift in the inbetween of wake and sleep. Just be here, together. Last night’s memories were a blur of naked bodies and Dean’s hand around his dick; of feeling like he was floating; of the taste of Dean’s cum on his lips as he blew him.

Just thinking about it made his dick swell excitedly, ready for round two.

Sleep was stronger than him, though. Hearing Dean’s heart beat so gently and so comfortingly helped him doze off almost instantly. It almost felt like home. Waking up with someone close to him, feeling the comfort of love.

The bed was still warm when Cas woke up next time, but the warm body was gone. In his sleepy state, Castiel looked for it, arms reaching but only finding an empty bed, sheets pushed to the side. 

“Hey, it’s okay,” he heard Dean’s all too familiar voice, distorted over the baby monitor. If he was any more awake, he would be looking over at the monitor, watching as Dean maneuvered around with Ben in his arms.

He heard the rustling of the plastic around the diapers and the unhappy cries as Ben was lifted up again, dressed. Castiel didn’t know how he could have slept through the crying. It was piercing, going through marrow and bone.

“I know Ben, I know,” he heard Dean mumble. “Daddy has someone with him. You can’t-” But Ben started screaming again.

Cas heard a dejected sigh and then movement. He heard the gentle closing of a door.

It was all he heard before he was back asleep.

The light was blinding when he finally, happily woke up for the third and last time. Dean was there with him again, asleep with his chest pressed into Cas. He was warm and comforting, like a soothing blanket that threatened to lull him back to sleep.

“Good morning,” Dean mumbled, voice still croaky with sleep. 

For a moment, Cas pulled him closer.

“Morning.” Castiel was very well aware of the fact that he too must sound like he was still asleep, voice croaky and his throat dry. If anything, he could kill for a bottle of water, anything to wash it away. “What time is it?”

“I don't know, hold on.” Dean moved away from him for a minute, pressing buttons until finally, blissfully, he found the right one. “It’s twenty past eleven.”

“Fuck.”

Castiel was out of the bed in no time, pulling on his damp boxers from the floor, barely awake enough to register that he might as well be pulling on Deans. He’d just grabbed whatever was closest and flung it on. 

“Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.” His brain was a litany of fucks. He should have been at the shop hours ago and should have opened up. “I have the shop by myself today. Fuck.”

Dean too was awake within seconds. 

Castiel was pretty sure that somewhere downstairs, alarms had gone off all morning, until hopefully Jo turned them off or fully turned off the phone. He hoped for her sake, if she was up, that she had.

There was no way this was happening to him.

How the fuck was this happening to him?

He rushed into his clothes that he again wasn’t even sure were his, Dean following him to the bathroom almost amused. 

Cas quickly rinsed his mouth, combed his hair, made sure that he was at least somewhat presentable.

Dean in the meanwhile had changed into more comfortable clothing. Even the loose PJ’s made him look nice. Castiel wished that he knew how he did it, how he managed to look so pulled together in tatty pants and a worn down shirt.

“I gotta go,” he said, “I gotta open the shop. Saturday is my day. I need to open the shop, Charlie isn’t there.”

“Of course.” Dean was more amused by it than anything else. It was funny to Cas too, almost.

“This was really, really, really nice,” Cas supplied before coming closer to Dean and kissing him. With the passion of yesterday gone, his lips still felt perfect to Cas. Smooth and nice and comforting. Dean snaked an arm around him for just a second before releasing him.

“It was,” he agreed with a grin on his face. “You’ll have to face Jo on your way out, though.” 

Castiel had already thought about the fact that he would have to pass her and get knowing looks. He knew that in a way, he was doing the walk of shame.

“I think I can live with that.” It helped that Jo too knew that they would have been up to something. 

Charlie had known that he likely wouldn't make it to the store. The shutters were down and there was a sign on the door reading  _ closed for inventory.  _ For a moment, the panic fell off Cas’s shoulders and he let himself appreciate the craziness of the morning.

He knew very well that she would ask all the questions when they both got into work tomorrow, and that she would want any juicy details that he had to offer. For the first time in a long time, he actually wanted to talk about it to her. 

He would tell her tomorrow morning when she came in - tell her that it had been nice and they kissed, that he’d spent the night there. Like she had suspected he would. He would tell her that he hadn’t woken up at all until eleven and hadn’t been by the shop until almost one pm.

He knew that she wouldn't hold it against him that the shop had been closed for one extra half day. He knew that she would understand. 

He looked forward to it - to talking about things.

  
  


With his legs pulled up to his chest, Castiel sat on his porch, the chair gently rocking back and forth. That morning, when he’d pulled open his curtains, there had been nothing but darkness. A pitch black that seemed to have no beginning, no end.

Thunder rumbled in the distance now, a threatening presence. He was almost expecting the storm to break loose any second. For the rain to start, for the lightning to crack through the sky. His cigarette had long burned out, the ashes fluttered away in the breeze. 

It felt right, for the storm to be setting in. His brain was a mess, his heart was a mess. The weather was. On the forecast, a sunny and dry day had been predicted, with a 5% chance of rain by the evening. What they got instead was a dark and dreary and moody morning.

Dean would be leaving soon. In just a few hours, he’d load his suitcases onto the ferry and sail away. Cas had known all along that they weren’t anything more than a temporary fling, a teenage summer crush in their twenties. He shouldn’t feel hurt, or heartbroken, or already missing a guy he’d spent only a couple of days with.

Yet, all he could think about was that he’d never see Dean again because he probably wouldn’t come back again. They’d barely had enough time to get to know each other - they still didn’t know each other’s favorite things, their dark memories from childhood, nothing about drunk aunts or uncles at family parties, nothing. 

Soon, the boat would leave and each wave take Dean further and further away from him.

Tomorrow, work would pick up again. He’d go back to work and back to his normal routine. Yet, Dean and Ben wouldn’t be in the crowd at the reading group, nor would Dean be waiting for him outside of work to walk back with him for an evening stroll on the beach, like last night.

God, he’d miss him. Barely known him for two weeks and yet, he’d miss him. 

Dean was loading the bags in the back of Cas’s truck, Jo trailing behind with Ben in her arms. He’d asked if he could borrow the car, just to drive down to the pier. Cas had agreed, even though it broke his heart to know that he was helping Dean leave. 

The clock in his head was counting down the minutes until he’d get in that car with them and watch them get on a boat. He wanted nothing more but to freeze time, to make the world stop spinning. For Dean to never leave.

  
  


.•° ✿ °•.

  
  


Castiel locked the door behind him, closed the shutters in front of the windows, and walked out of his house. The day had both felt like it flew by and like it dragged, minutes taking hours, weeks.

“Hey there, stranger.” Cas looked up at the all too familiar voice and saw a sad smile on Dean’s lips. “Are you good to drive us?”

“I am,” he admitted. “Everything good?”

Ï think so. Do you think the boat will go? With the weather?”

“It’s not that bad yet.” Cas hated admitting it. Hated the fact that he knew that it would go. That it would take Dean away from here. “I think so. What’s gonna happen now?”

“I don’t know.” Dean sat down on the porch, Cas followed lead. “I have a life back home. I can’t just up and leave.” Especially not for a summer fling, something that doubtlessly will end in nothing. Not for something that will die off slowly and quietly.

“I’ll come see you,” Cas said. He hadn’t thought about it before. Yes, he’d wanted to leave, but that didn’t mean that he was ready to just leave, pack up. “Come visit you.”

“I’d like that.” Dean threw him a warm smile. “I like you, Cas.” Cas didn’t know how to answer. There was only one thing that felt right. One thing to do. 

He pulled Dean in for a soft kiss.

“Don’t forget about me.”

“Never.” The certainty in Dean’s voice almost broke him. “I can’t wait to see you again.” Dean took his hand in his, squeezed it gently. “It’ll be okay, you know.”

The calm and certainty in his voice calmed Cas. Even if the sadness was there, it was overpowered by a knowing. By a calm. “It will be.”

And with that, a second soft kiss. Dean’s hand cupping his face and a gentle  _ I love you _ whispered against his lips.

With that, the sun broke through the clouds. The wind died. The sky cleared up the second Cas was reassured that this wasn’t the day. Everything clicked together - the rainy days when Dean had seemed so far away, the way the sun had shone when they were together.

And suddenly he knew. Cas knew.

He wasn’t useless. Or powerless.

He was him.


	6. EPILOGUE

The first thing that hiti Cas when he got off the plane was the humidity. After hours in a dry, stale tube flying through the air at miles per hour he couldn’t even begin to comprehend, it almost made him feel like he was drowning.

Baggage claim was blissfully cool. In the swarm of people, flocking to conveyor belts in the hopes their baggage will come quickly, he felt lost. In just one suitcase, everything that ever was important to him was packed up. Books, clothes, electronics.

His entire life fit into one neat, slightly overweight suitcase. Even now, days after packing up, he still hadn’t made his peace with that.

The cab waited for him outside of the airport, took him through twisty roads and city streets, until finally, ten miles to Lebanon, Kansas appeared on a road sign and he could feel the excitement twist and turn in his gut.

Soon, he’d arrive at an apartment to call his own. The landlord would be waiting for him, then hand him his keys and show him around and in all likelihood, he’d drop off his bags, sit down on the empty wooden floors and order pizza.

“Visiting?” The cab driver had been silent the entire drive, listening to his music and letting the sleepy stranger in the back of his car doze. “You don’t seem to be from around here.”

“Am not.” Their gazes met in the rear view mirror and for a second, the weirdness of the situation hit Cas. For the first time, he was in the back of a car of someone he didn’t know. Back in Fernweh, the closest he’d come to a stranger was a vaguely familiar face. “Just moved here, actually.”

“Why Kansas?”

“Hoping to find a friend.” A friend who might be long gone, who he hadn’t talked to in over a year. Not since he was left on the island. Not since they kissed on that pier. Not since he’d promised that he’d visit.

He still thought of their kiss, sometimes late at night. Still missed Dean’s soft hands on his cheek, telling him he couldn’t wait to meet again.

“Good luck with that.” The driver pulled over on the side of a quiet street - Cas’s street now. He’d payed the too high sum and with two suitcases besides him, he looked up at the dirty orange building.

A new start, a new life.

.•° ✿ °•.

Cas let the elevator take him to the third floor, grateful that he didn’t have to carry both heavy burdens up the high flights of stairs. He didn’t know what to expect from the entrance and the apartment itself. Even though a friend of his who had been in the city had checked out the place for him, he hadn’t seen much more than the pictures showed on the listing.

Apartment 3C, with a street view and a bay window where according to the pictures, a small table can stand. With a shaking hand, Cas knocked on the door to his own apartment and then, afraid it had been too quiet, knocked again. 

“You must be Castiel, come on in.” A gruff guy in a worn flannel and a baseball cap opened the door for him. Cas was taken aback for a second by the wheelchair - by the ease with with the man turned it around and rolled into the apartment.

Inside, his boxes were scattered across the living-dining room. The moving company must have just dropped them off wherever they could, no thought about how he’d start unpacking or if he could even still get into his apartment with them potentially in the way.

“Call me Cas,” he said, a beat too late as he closed the door behind him. “Sorry about the maze.”

“Is the company’s fault, boy,” Mr Singer said, shrugging. “Get ‘em out and we won’t talk about it.”

“Will do, sir.

“Bobby,” he corrected. “Everyone calls me that. Rent is due the second every month, get it to me personally, cash. When rent’s due I live on the ground floor, otherwise you don’t know me.” Mr. Singer - Bobby threw him a pleasant smile. “Got my number, call if it something’s happening. Keys are on the kitchen counter.”

“Got it. So long no one’s dying or the place isn’t on fire, you won't see me,” Cas joked. 

“Rent day, boy,” he corrected, but there was a small smile on his lips. “Good luck in Kansas.”

.•° ✿ °•.

Charlie had looked at him across the table, the air tense. He’d been scared to say these exact words, to tell her what he wanted to do. Yet, he was so sure of it, had started the paperwork to make the process final.

“You’re leaving?” she had asked, incredulous. “And you want me to take over the shop?”

“Yes,” he had said carefully. “I need a change, Char.”

“You’re going after Dean,” she’d said simply. “Do you think he’s waiting for you?”

“I don’t know,” he’d answered honestly. “I don’t need him to wait for me.” He hadn’t known how true it was until he’d said the words. As much as Dean leaving had pushed Cas to do more research and figure things out, or as much it had helped him settle down about it and eased his anxieties, he was sure he could make it without him.

He’d plan it out. He’d think it through. Instead of leaving on a whim, he would leave with a well thought out plan and certain that he had a home to go to.

“But either way, I’m sure I want to do this,” he’d said, “and that’s the most important thing of all.”

.•° ✿ °•.

Cas adapted to work faster than he’d thought he would. It had been sheer luck that he’d been accepted for the position - a daycare looking for an employee to help out with paperwork and checking in kids when they come in, maybe some help around the place. It didn’t pay much, but it was enough to get around.

Paying his first rent hurt - hurt almost just as much as the cheap food he’d been eating the week before his second pay check came in. Yet, slowly, he settled into the routine. Into the routine of getting up, going to work, unpacking some boxes and then settling down on the couch with his dinner and his book.

That maybe was the biggest change of it all. He felt like he had energy again. Energy to read his books and do things when he came home. He’d almost forgotten how good it felt - to actually get immersed into the world of a novel again, without all the worries nagging at the back of his mind.

The days were mostly quiet at the daycare. Once the initial rush of kids being dropped off came and went and the seprate groups got on with their day, there wasn’t much to do except call no shows and register any sick calls. Most of the days, Cas also helped stock diapers and everything in the different groups, helped out with bottles or handing out food. Some days, he accompanied trips to the zoo or the police station.

It were small and easy jobs but somehow, he got pleasure out of it. He got to help out in busy moments, spent his time around the kids and finally got to revisit his dreams. The dreams that he’d had to put to the side and ignore. As much as he wanted to settle down, figure out life, find Dean, the thought that even if none of that happened, he could adopt a child was a welcome new reassurance he hadn’t been able to afford back on Fernweh.

.•° ✿ °•.

Months passed almost in a blur of work and getting settled. Slowly, his life had come together. He had a routine, made friends with his co-workers. Suddenly, there were people that he went out with for a drink on Friday nights. He almost felt like he belonged.

As much as the island never left him, it settled in the background. His mother called once a month and they talked. Talked about how things were back home, how he was doing, how work was. The nicest and biggest change was that they didn’t fight. For the first time in what felt like years, they didn’t even argue. Even though Cas had never admitted to her that he’d found his gift, they’d found their peace.

For the first time in his life, he had a home. Yet, something was missing. Part of him still wanted him to be there - wanted Dean to be there.

Meeting Dean came in the most unexpected of ways. 

Cas was filing through paperwork and logging a note at his desk at work when he heard an all too familiar voice come from the entrance. His heart recongised the sounds in a heartbeat, even though it felt like years since he’d heard it.

“Dean?” he asked, surprise clear in his voice. 

Dean was standing there, in the doorway to the room, looking just as gorgeous as Cas remembered him. He was wearing a police uniform, the radio on his belt making noises trying in to get his attention. He was ignoring all of them, just clutching his son’s hand.

“Cas? You’re...”He rubbed his hand across his face. “I didn’t think I’d see you again.”

“I came looking for you,” Cas admitted softly. “Didn’t think I’d actually get to see you. Thought you’d packed up, moved on.”

“I was waiting for you,” Dean too admitted. The complaints from the radio came louder, to the point where Dean couldn’t just ignore them anymore. “Duty calls.” He chuckled. “I know it’s direct but. How about I pick you up after work? Dinner at my place?

“That sounds great.”


End file.
